You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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