I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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