Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I puked a lego.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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