i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
