so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
