I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
