I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
