i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
