I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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