I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
