Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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