I think my fart just growled at me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
