I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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