If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
