You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
two words...techno handjob
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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