I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
