my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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