listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
