vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How does one acquire holy water?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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