I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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