I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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