Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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