I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
