I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
