last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
