before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
