I look better un-naked...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
