You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
