That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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