I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
