She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
