Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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