no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
