dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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