office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
