Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
