I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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