i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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