ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
this is an emotional support booty call
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
