would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
