Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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