I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You left your phone here
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