how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
