Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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