Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
