Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
