i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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