dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
