In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
