You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
