Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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