someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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